Tonight I will try to sleep. It didn't go so well last night, but that is mostly because my head is filled with thoughts on what a tremendous change motherhood is. Tomorrow, God willing, I will be the mom to another little person and I enter that experience knowing only slightly more than I entered it 4 and a half years ago with J.
My very first Mother's Day was a mere day after I came home from the hospital with J and I remember vividly that it was also the day that all of those nasty little pregnancy hormones ping ponged wildly as they were leaving my system and I wondered how it was that I was going to be able to take care of my little baby. We were moving away from home in 4 weeks and I had no idea how I would be fit for the challenge of raising a baby. Luckily, the hormones retreated quickly, and as anyone who has a newborn can attest, there ceases to be time to worry about the hows because you are caught up in the doings and before you know it you are a mom.
On that day, my mother-in-law asked me how it felt to be a mom. I remember what I told her because I remember feeling it and for me it still rings true today. I said that being a mom felt like my heart was broken into a thousand little pieces and put back together again. There is such joy in having a child. The flipside of the joy is that there is such tremendous vulnerability. I wanted to know on that day that my beautiful girl would make it happy and healthy into old age and fulfillment. I am getting to live all the middle parts with J and it brings me such happiness.
My grandmother used to say never to brag about your kids (a rule she broke often)to others, because they either have kids, or they don't. I think this is a particularly wise statement (she was a smart lady), and it is often hard to follow. While I love to analyze what traits J picks up from her dad and me (nailbiting unfortunately), she is so much her own person. I am amazed by
her. I get to be her mom and that is really an amazing gift. Every time I think that I have her pegged she pulls the rug out from under me. I told her teacher that she was slow to warm, and shy and yet she has bounced into this year with such enthusiasm that I am halfway waiting to hear that she's too chatty in class.
She has had some small lessons in the reality that the world doesn't revolve around her: as when I stopped "The Ants go marching two by two hurrah hurrah..." mid-song and decided that it was time for her to learn to like "Mommy music" (and we've never looked back), but this new little person will be a big adjustment for her. I know that things will change, but I think it will be such a wonderful change for us all.
And so tonight, I am reflecting on my daughter whom I love so much and wondering with great anticipation about my next daughter and who she will be.
